JuJuBee

Ups And Downs

I'm really excited about tomorrow. We are having our first ever Christmas portraits taken since becoming a family of  four.  I've really kinda been waiting for this as far back as I can remember: a wonderful husband that I adore, an intelligent, gorgeous son and a beautiful little baby girl. This picture will be one that I treasure for a lifetime. As long as I don't look fat and smile weird. Just kidding! Or am I?

LittleJuJu is still going through an awful phase, talking back and generally just being miserable to be around. I really hate that we start our day fighting before he heads off to school. I hate it. Then he comes home with about two bites taken from his lunch and he wants Fritos to snack on. Of course I say hell no and then we are fighting again. Ahhh. Thank god for school...on the other hand, this attitude came when kindergarten came, so maybe I shouldn't be thanking school after all.

The baby is in phase as well. She needs to have my attention every waking minute. She is only content to play by herself for 5 minute increments and in those 5 minutes, I have to catch up on dishes, laundry, personal hygiene, coffee and coffee. Let this phase pass quickly.

As you can tell, I'm in sort of an odd place right now. Winter is coming and I am getting excited about the holidays and traveling to visit with family, and at the same time I am stressed and exhausted and blah. I wish my mind could pick a feeling and just go with it.

I'm trying to update here more often but I have so much swirling in my head right now...it's hard to concentrate on one thought. Adult ADD, I'm sure of it.

Sometimes I Surprise Myself

While perusing the blogroll, waiting for other people to update, I had a thought. I thought, "Screw it. I'll just update my own damn blog."  Then I had another thought. I thought, "Damn, my language these days is just deplorable." I do try and censor myself when the boy is home. I figure I can think and write like a truck driver because he can't yet read (or see into my head). Thank GOD.

Speaking of the boy....he sure has turned into a whiny little baby lately. Every request is met with either a blank stare or a long drawn out whine. If there is anything that I cannot tolerate, it is whining. I hate it. It goes right through my skin and into my bloodstream and attacks each individual cell in my body until I am itching with agitation. It crawls up my spine and plants itself right into my temple in the form of pain. I hate whining.

He is going through a phase. I'm sure it has everything to do with starting school and trying on a new identity. He challenges me now where he used to be agreeable and complacent. He questions my authority and believes that his way is the right way. Someone needs to clue him in that my way is the right way. Mama's way is the only way, damnit.  Nah, I don't really feel that way and I am somewhat relieved if not a bit somber that he is trying out this new independence. He has embarked on a new journey and I am not in his life for over 8 hours each day. He is out there making his own decisions and forging his own friendships. I'm proud that he is affected by it. I would be worried if he seemed the same. It's a huge change for him.

I had an awful dream last night about him going off to school and in the school, children were being shot for no apparent reason by the gym teacher. Yet the parents would still send their kids in each day hoping that their child would not be the one to get shot that day. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, my god....it's 1 pm. He has gym class at 1 pm. Please let him be safe...and I cried and screamed and bawled throughout the whole dream. It was so scary and I felt completely helpless.

And to think that I thought  I was taking this whole school thing rather well.

Yawn

I've been struggling with writing here. I don't know why. I suppose it happens to everyone...but I hate feeling like I am writing here for everyone else and not for myself. I hate that I go for a few days without a post and then feel major guilt about it, like I had better post something or all of the people who come here to visit me will be disappointed to find the same thing at the top of the page everyday. I am guilty of doing the same. Going through my blogroll to catch up on the news of people's lives and feeling a bit bored when they haven't written anything new. It's stupid. Who cares? Life is so busy lately that I wouldn't even know where to begin with something to write.  Do I write about the boring gazillion and twelve tasks I do each morning? The making of the beds and the tons of laundry and the bottles and diapers and the same thing over and over? The doctor and dentist appointments? The trips to the grocery store? My days seem to be full from sunrise to sunset and I just can't find the right words to make any of it seem funny, or poignant, or interesting. I finally had a moment to eat my dinner last night at 9:30 pm after the kids were in bed. The baby was up all night again (after sleeping so well the night before, there is no rhyme or reason to her madness) and things are just what they are right now. Hopefully I will find the stories within the story to share here, but for now? I'm tired.

Happy Belated Birthday to The Greatest Aunt. Happy 32 ! (wink wink)