JuJuBee

Dear Mr. J,

I might give you a lot of crap. I might write things about you on my website that you would rather I didn't (wow, imagine the stuff I leave out!) and I might be an albatross around your neck at times...but at the end of the day, I would hope that you know that you mean more to me than my showers. More to me than my hour of quiet in the afternoon. More to me than my morning pot cup of coffee. You mean more to me than all of the freshest smelling laundry in the world. You mean more to me than going out of the house without my lipstick on. You mean more than my evening glass of wine. You mean more than this computer. You mean more than anything to me.

Happy Birthday, Love. Use your wish wisely ;)

Ennui

So sue me for being somewhat jealous of my husband's new life. Can I find some ridiculousness in the fact that I am resentful that he is able to go out for drinks, attend hockey games, sleep all night and have no parental responsibilities 5 days a week? Sure I can. I might be irrational sometimes, but I'm not blind.

Am I going to apologize for feeling this way?

Hell no.

It's how I feel and I won't dismiss it as being a bitch, which I'm sure is one way I could be perceived when I whine about my life as it is right now in comparison to his. I guess it just feels like I've been left behind. I'm like a kid who hasn't been picked and I'm sitting on the sidelines watching all of the other kids have fun.

I'm a barrel of fun these days aren't I?? Maybe you should stop coming here until I've moved because I can't really promise you an upbeat post until then.

I will force myself to utter three positives right now, just to sort of balance out the blah:

*Tax return has been deposited into our account thanks to my lovely auntie

*It's above 32 degrees (F) outside

*I got at least three hours of sleep last night

Ok, that's all you get....

Tell me I am not crazy and then tell me three good things in your life right now.

Blinded

This is hard. This is quite possibly the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I know it is so cliche to say, "I don't know how single mothers do it", but seriously...I suppose there are reasons for cliches.

I thought I was doing pretty well. I was getting some packing done, managing the kids pretty well and getting LittleJuJu off to school with a smile in the morning. Somewhere along the way, life sort of....shifted. The snow came. The deep freeze didn't go away. School was canceled for days on end. Not sleeping started to take it's toll on me. I became edgy, then angry, then resentful, then just plain mean. That was our evenings. Every night around 6 pm, I would start to have some major anxiety about nightfall. I knew that I was in for a long night of no sleep. Constant fussing and crying. Both from the baby and from me. It seemed like as soon as he would settle and we could sleep, I would notice that the clock said 7:00 and it was time to get up and do it all over again. Mr. JuJu would call in the  morning on his way to work and I would fight tears. I didn't want him to know how hard my life had become and didn't want him to feel like it was his fault.

It's been a couple of days since I was at my lowest point. Things are still extremely difficult, but I think I needed a good cry and I needed to let my husband know that I was hurting and just so goddamned TIRED. I feel better now knowing that I don't have to be a supermom. I can be tired, worn out, fed up, and beaten. LittleJuJu has gone back to school. The baby has slept relatively well the past two nights and I haven't started the day with tears.

I can see that it will soon be over. I know that in mid-March we will be closing on our house and life will change. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is blinding, and I am happy to see it.

Have a great weekend. I will be taking the family to Mom's and getting the hell out of this prison I've been in. I'll see my husband, I'll get some sleep, and I'll share these beautiful children with their grandparents. Sometimes it can be hard to see through the tears, but life is good.

Back in the Saddle

I'm going to exercise today.

You heard me right. I know...it's hard to believe, even for myself, but I am at the point where I am getting extremely frustrated with my body and the lack of clothing that it will fit into. We don't have the money right now for me to be going out to buy clothes for this in between stage of stalled progress. I've hit my plateau and have been stuck here for weeks.  It's time to maybe think about not having ice cream while my ass sits on the couch watching TV. No more eating half a box of crackers with cheese while my ass sits and reads blogs. I could also cut back on CraigsList, as I have become addicted to refreshing the page (can't let anyone beat you to that perfect entertainment center or double stroller you have been watching for!) over and over. Not much physical exertion involved in moving your typing fingers one inch to the left or right.

So, I am telling you this so that I can be held somewhat accountable. I packed my favorite workout tape, so I am going to have to dig through a couple boxes to locate that, but it will be worth it. Eating has become yet another diversion, another avoidance tactic to try and put off all that I have to do. It's become a source of comfort after a hard day with the kids (speaking of the kids...my daughter has turned into those children that you see on SuperNanny...send help...she threw a very public fit in Target yesterday and I feel quite defeated by her). The weather has also attributed quite a bit. I would love to be able to go out for a run or take the kids for a walk. We are expecting a big storm (or Armageddon it would seem, by the news and the parking lot of the grocery store) so even getting out to see other human life will be a challenge in the next few days.

Motivation: my sister-in-law is getting married in September and I have to wear a strapless gown. So I have plenty of time to get buff, right? A few years back, as I was getting prepared for my own wedding, I weighed about 20 pounds less than I do right now. I was eating very healthy and exercising alot. I got to a point in my running where I could just go and go and hit that zone where you don't get tired. I'd love to be back to that point with the running but I don't need to be back to the weight. I would be happy with 10.

So, for you moms who stay at home? What keeps you from eating all day? Don't tell me you are too busy to eat. I have three kids, I am moving and I am a single parent from Monday until Friday...I find time to eat.