Blinded

This is hard. This is quite possibly the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. I know it is so cliche to say, "I don't know how single mothers do it", but seriously...I suppose there are reasons for cliches.

I thought I was doing pretty well. I was getting some packing done, managing the kids pretty well and getting LittleJuJu off to school with a smile in the morning. Somewhere along the way, life sort of....shifted. The snow came. The deep freeze didn't go away. School was canceled for days on end. Not sleeping started to take it's toll on me. I became edgy, then angry, then resentful, then just plain mean. That was our evenings. Every night around 6 pm, I would start to have some major anxiety about nightfall. I knew that I was in for a long night of no sleep. Constant fussing and crying. Both from the baby and from me. It seemed like as soon as he would settle and we could sleep, I would notice that the clock said 7:00 and it was time to get up and do it all over again. Mr. JuJu would call in the  morning on his way to work and I would fight tears. I didn't want him to know how hard my life had become and didn't want him to feel like it was his fault.

It's been a couple of days since I was at my lowest point. Things are still extremely difficult, but I think I needed a good cry and I needed to let my husband know that I was hurting and just so goddamned TIRED. I feel better now knowing that I don't have to be a supermom. I can be tired, worn out, fed up, and beaten. LittleJuJu has gone back to school. The baby has slept relatively well the past two nights and I haven't started the day with tears.

I can see that it will soon be over. I know that in mid-March we will be closing on our house and life will change. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is blinding, and I am happy to see it.

Have a great weekend. I will be taking the family to Mom's and getting the hell out of this prison I've been in. I'll see my husband, I'll get some sleep, and I'll share these beautiful children with their grandparents. Sometimes it can be hard to see through the tears, but life is good.

Comments

[Lori]

I know that feeling of the light at the end of the tunnel. Exactly 1 month today we move out of the in-laws and into our brand new home we have waited much too long for. I'm so excited, I almost feel nervous. It's good you are taking the kids to see Grandma. They need that and you need that. Good luck with everything and I hope it all works out for you. I know it will.

[Simon]

Can I give you a big ol' hug? I promise not to touch your bum. (Just between you and me, it might make that Winker a smidge jealous.)

Limericks make everyone feel better:

There's this Ju with a fabulous bum,
Has three kids (which makes her a mom).
She's no time to work out,
Now she'll cry and she'll pout,
What she needs is some Coke and some rum!

[Luann]

Hang in there sweety, you are much stronger than you think and, you DON'T have to be a supermom! Just enjoy the kids as best you can and let the housework go.

[Beth]

I bet you still look damned hott every day though. I hate that about you.

[Mom]

Ju, I'll have to show you my journals some day that I kept to keep me sane when you were tiny and Dad was working the night shift and we only had one car. I never lost sleep though, so I can hardly imagine what you must feel like. I'm as anxious for your move, I think, as you are so I can rest assured that you'll have Mr.Ju's family around for support and help.
I totally cannot wait to see y'all. Fresh, lavender-scented sheets await you. I got rum and coke too.
And for gawdsake Simon, my daughter's bum's happiness is far more important to me than my own. I'm just trying to figure out what a Canadian hug must be like. American hugs don't go anywhere near down there. Might have to make a trip across the border to find out. Ah, maybe I'll just Google it.

[Pamalamadingdong]

It's time for a break, glad you are getting away with the kids. Sometimes a change of scenery is all you need.
Also, you ARE super mom. Seriously!

i send you many hugs....and cocktails.

[Mark]

Wow. My wife sometimes calls me at 5:10 asking when I'm leaving work, because she's "had enough." That's with one child.

We share equally in the kid rearing, except of course during those eight hours that I'm at work. When our boy (3.5 years) is particularly challenging, I start to understand how she feels.

What I cannot understand, however, is how you feel. Good Lord. We decided about a year ago that one was plenty for us. Three?

You. Go. Girl.

[Natalie Murdick]

I don't know how you're doing it all. I am at my witts end most days with the 2 of mine. Aiden is 6 now and Corbin is 3 1/2. Ryan works out of town a good bit and I agree it is REALLY hard to be a single parent! Not to mention all of the other things going on for you all right now. Good luck and hang in there!

Natalie

[Natalie Murdick]

I don't know how you're doing it all. I am at my witts end most days with the 2 of mine. Aiden is 6 now and Corbin is 3 1/2. Ryan works out of town a good bit and I agree it is REALLY hard to be a single parent! Not to mention all of the other things going on for you all right now. Good luck and hang in there!

Natalie

[Becky]

You rock.... you just do... you rock in the good times and you rock in the hard times. And the best part is that you know when things aren't sugar coated and you know it is okay to get mad because you know you will get over it!

[Shann]

I have 3 and know how it is. I too often mutate into evil yelling mommy. Unfortunately, we were only given so much patience. With each child born, it gets drained away. Add some sleepness nights, and you are into overdrawn territory. Try rocking in a corner, repeating, "It has got to get better, it has GOT to get better!" Doesn't always work, but I figure there's a mind over matter thing going on. Hang in there girlfriend! You are a strong woman and an awesome mom. Your kids will remember your hugs and kisses and sweetness, not the tired mommy moments. Just as you will treasure their angel-kid moments...

((((((((((((((HUG!)))))))))))))) (_|_) (I'm Canadian too, so I DID touch your bum!)

[Alvis]

Not much to add to what others have already said. I know all about how anxiety and depression feel. I hope you are having a fabulous weekend.

My prayers are with you, JuJu.

[Chris]

It'll sound cliche, but, hang in there. Light at the end of the tunnel and all that shit ;-)