I'm Only Here Because of Your Constant Nagging

Let me begin by saying that those of you who told me that going from one child to two is hard and going from two to three is a piece of cake, can just kiss my ass. You can also pass me whatever sort of thing you are smoking because WOW. I need me some of that.

It is 8:52 pm. I have sat down today for a total of about 20 minutes, not including dinner or the minute here and there when I would walk by the computer and Instant Message  Mr. JuJu at work to bother him because I need some sort of  interaction with an adult every hour or so, otherwise the day will swallow me whole and spit out the remains of a person who was once able to complete sentences and not rely on Visine to look human. You really should see my eyes. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person staring back at me.

I'm guessing that you might like to hear all about the baby. The little teeny tiny person who has come to live in our home and upset the balance of male to female ratio. I can feel it, you know. I feel it with every fart, burp or otherwise testosterone fueled sound uttered in my home. Even my girl giggles and glances in Daddy's direction when she lets loose a stinker or two. Oh Lord help me (who has never farted in her life, by the way).

Here's how it went down:

November 15th, 2006

8:30 ish am: Prenatal check-up. I complain about still being pregnant and fat and swollen and basically whine about life in general. Doctor tells me that maybe he can "get things moving" or some such crazy talk and then he gets in there and hurts me. Something about stripping something or other...membranes...I don't know. Gross talk.

11:30 am: Slight contractions. Dismiss as some random cramping caused by the "procedure".

1:00 pm: Still more cramping, but not alarmed. Decide to wait it out and post something here. Occasionally IM-ing Mr. JuJu with talk of "Ouch, this kinda hurts" and, "Maybe you should come home, but maybe not...We'll see."

2:30 pm: Pain is increasing some, but nothing too bad. Decide to start taking pain seriously. Hop in the shower to see if pain subsides. Pain does not subside, and gets measurably worse. I have a few contractions in a ten minute shower. Uh oh.

3:30 pm: Pain is bad. Pain is worse than any other labor pain I have felt. Start getting dressed and packed and IM-ing husband to get home. Like NOW.

3:45 pm: Fucking Ay this hurts. BabyJuJu is waking from her nap and she is not happy. I try to talk to her between contractions and realize that I just might be feeling the urge to push.

3:46 pm: Panic

3:47 pm: Drag baby from crib and attempt to answer the phone when Mr. JuJu calls. Tell him that I cannot possibly SPEAK and hang up. He is on his way home.

3:50 pm: Mr.JuJu calls again to ask if I need an ambulance. I seriously consider it, but worry about what the toddler will do while I am strapped into an ambulance. Decide against it and sit down to have another contraction and hope to God that this baby does not come out in my kitchen.

4:00 pm: I throw my bags into the van between contractions (which are basically on top of each other right now. I am moaning and making awful noises with each one and BabyJuJu is visibly concerned and about to lose her shit too)

4:05 pm: Throw BabyJuJu into the carseat, strap her in, start the van and lay down in the backseat. Commence with the panic.

4:06 pm: Mr. JuJu pulls in, notices the van is started and looks for me. I yell at him to just GET IN AND GO.

4:07 pm: Fucking redlight

4:09 pm: Another fucking redlight

4:10 pm: Yes. Another fucking redlight

4:11 pm: Pain, searing awful pain

4:13 pm: Redlight

4:18 pm: Pull into ER. Mr.JuJu runs in to yell at someone to come get me. I tell the woman I need to push, like right NOW. She tells me that I am mistaken.

4:19 pm: I kill her.

4:20 pm: Dead nurse runs (literally) RAN me up to Labor and Delivery...they don't want any babies born on their watch and in their ER.

4:22 pm: Half undressed and in a bed, begging to be allowed to push

4:25 pm: My doctor walks in, he just happened to be coming in to snip some little guy's penis

4:28 pm: Everyone is laughing and trying to talk to me, as if I could answer. Things get blurry right around here. I recall Miss Beautiful Doctor Lady telling me that I didn't have any time for an epidural. I didn't care. I just wanted it to be over. I also remember my daughter crying because a nurse took her to go sit in a chair while my husband came to stand beside me.

4:33 pm: Finally allowed to push (twice, I think)

4:35 pm: Andrew Wyatt was born.

Two hours of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I used to say that kidney stones were the worst pain I could possibly know. I was OH SO VERY, VERY WRONG.

It has been a whirlwind, these last 13 days. I'm still trying to get used to having three children. Having no time to myself, no time for my husband. I definitely feel like our family is complete, and I have a newfound respect for parents of three.  Andrew doesn't sleep at night, at all. It's been hard adjusting to that, and I feel like I could be coping so much better with some sleep, but I know it will pass. If having two before him had taught me anything, it is that every moment is fleeting. Every second is important, and if you blink...you've missed it. I'm trying to remember that as I feed the baby at 3 am and struggle to stay awake. I know it will get better and it will get easier. I'm trying to enjoy the moment. Even if I have to stand while answering the phone, stirring the sauce, checking the homework and changing a diaper. It's ok.

That's enough for now. Thanks for all of your comments, emails, and congrats. They all mean so much to me.

(Edit to add: Mr. JuJu sorta off-handedly mentioned that maybe he should post the story from his point of view. I would love it. Leave a comment if you'd be interested in hearing from Daddy)

Comments

[Lori]

Holy Shit, that's quite the story. Where was little JuJu while this was happening. School must have been over by that time. Wow. My youngest was 4 hours from start to finish and I thought that was fast. Well Congratulations. He's beautiful. Hang in there. You know as well as anyone that it does get easier. And if ever help is offered, take it!

[Shann]

OMG! That kid is a doll! I wish I lived next door so I could take him for a few hours for some baby love while you got some much needed sleep. I'm one of those that said that 3 is not hard. Bend over, and I'll get the ass-kissing over with. It DOES get easier! Or at least, less hard, once you get some sleep. I'm praying to Sante Snooza, the patron saint of sleep, that Drew sleeps though the night starting today. Take care of yourself. ((((((HUG!)))) XOXOXOXOXO

[Mellie Helen]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! And I am very happy to hear there was not yet another red light, or you might have birthed somewhere on the highway. Stop looking at your blog comments now -- this is five minutes you could spend resting!!! Love and hugs to you and your beautiful baby boy!!!!!!

[Chris]

Painful but it looks like it was totally worth it ;-) And sure, why not hear from your husband?!

[Pamalamadingdong]

OH MY GOD! You almost gave birth in your van?!
Um YES we want to hear his version.
And he is ADORABLE!
How are the other jujubes adjusting?

[Lori]

Bring on his version. I would love to hear that!

[jo]

Wow! What a story! He's adorable! I'm glad you got there in time. I'd love to hear Mr. Juju's side. Although I'm sure it won't be as enthralling as yours. :)

[heathabee]

Boy does he ever look like LittleJuju!! Naturally, this means you have 3 of the most gorgeous kids I have ever seen in my life. :)

I would love to hear Daddy's side of the story!

Congrats again! :)

[Shann]

Bring it on! (Although it will be hard to top his Yoda-esque haiku when baby JuJu was born...)

[Mark]

What a great chronicle of the ordeal. And, as a guy whose wife didn't go through the whole sudden labor thing (they induced her), I vote to hear Mr. Juju's side.

[Melissa]

Oh my god, that is an insane story. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bug you. But I'm still glad to read this. He is so freaking cute and ohhh I just want to eat him up. I hope he at least learns to sleep a little soon.

I'd love to hear Mr. Juju's side.

[Peeved Michelle]

Definitely want to read his version.

[erica]

Congratulations - he's a darling!!! Since I love hearing my beloved retell our daughter's birth story from his PoV, I would really enjoy reading it from your hubby's too.

[heels]

We were pregnant at the same time when you were going to have your baby girl. I just can't believe that you now have an equally gorgeous NEW baby! I can't imagine having another right now, or even being pregnant for that matter. You? are a W.O.M.A.N. Congratulations and all my wishes for lots of sleep!!

[Becky]

God bless you, sweetie... truly God bless you!
What an amazing story... and yes... get Mr. Ju Ju on the keyboard to pound out his version!

[MJR]

Yes, please allow Mr. Juju to tell us, especially about the 10 minute stop at Starbuck's he made on the way home ......

.....or about the Wendy's drive-thru story that he might have told you about....

Did you notice he smelled like fries???, I mean ummmm.......let's hear his version......gulp....

[Robin]

What NUT told you going from 2 to 3 was easy? It's going from 3 to 4 that seems easy because they already outnumber you anyway....

You poor thing, that sound horrific. Glad it was over quickly, though.

Let Mr. JuJu give us his version. I'm sure the contrast is hysterical.

[Buie]

1.) You have farted before
2.) You killed a nurse
3.) Sounds like a good time, good lookin baby :-)

[Simon]

That was a fabulous and I'm sure entirely factual retelling of the momentous event. You rock, JuJu!

Lay down the Daddy version if Mr. J is so inclined.

[Luann]

I want to hear what dear Mr. Juju has to say about the whole ordeal. Send some pics so I can show them:>)

[Ali]

Long time lurker here, delurking to let you know you had me laughing so hard I scared my 5 month old! Love you, love your blog. And having just bought my first minivan this morning, I'm glad you didn't give birth in yours. You pay that much for a vehicle and you damn well don't want to have to clean bodily fluids out of it, you know what I'm saying?? And we definitely need Mr. JuJu's version. When my husband tells people our birth stories I look at him like "What hospital were you at? Not mine!" Now go get some sleep!

[Dana]

Congrats. I echo the sentiment that anyone who thinks the transition from 2 kids to 3 is easy must be delusional or stoned. I have almost no recollection of the first two months of Lil Joe's life, and it's probably a miracle that Princess and Hoss survived having a baby brother in the house.

[ctmommie]

So basically you did have that kid in a day, actually an hour....good story. Lets hear from the hubby! I only have 1 so I give you lots and lots of credit. I was hoping you would post soon!

[Lisa]

I have three. Mother-in-law (who had five) said going from two to three almost killed her. Going from three to four was a piece of cake, and from four to five (my husband), she hardly noticed. Maybe that's why we only have one baby picture of him!

[KtP]

Definitely want to hear the Mr's version!