Skip Right On Over This One

After reading this over at Alpha Mom this morning I have been thinking about what exactly my problem has been lately. There was an excerpt toward the middle of the post taken from the book The Ghost in the House in which mothers had said how they were reacting to their children during a bout of maternal depression. Some said how they found themselves yelling at their children all day, seemingly for no reason. I just recently told Mr. JuJu over the phone that I feel like I yell at LittleJuJu all day long. I yell at him for the teeniest tiniest things because I am stressed and usually just hanging on by a cord. It's roughest around bedtime when the whole day has accumulated on me and I am just SO. READY. FOR. BEDTIME. Then the guilt. Why couldn't I have just mustered up enough love for my kids to have a nice evening and maybe a bedtime story?

I tend to blame the way I have been feeling on this pregnancy. I truly don't know which symptoms to blame on life, which to blame on stress, which to blame on hormones, or which to blame on something possibly more "chemically" caused in some sort of an imbalanced form. I think to myself, "Self? Of course you are stressed and easily angered! You have two small children who are dependant upon you and only you all day long! With no friends or family within a 2.5 hour drive!" It's a job that doesn't have a lunch break. A job that doesn't even have a bathroom break. If I manage to get the door closed to use the bathroom in silence, I will usually see fingers poke underneath or hear screaming when the baby realizes that I am not within eyesight of her. I wonder how my husband could ever want to come home to this. By the time he gets in the door, we are all sick of each other. I need a break from them and they need a break from me and we are all a bundle of nerves. Ah, welcome home, Sweetie.

My parents have both gone through times of depression. I'm not sure that my father has ever had a time when he was NOT depressed, so the heredity factor is there. I just don't want to be quick to say that is the problem. Because maybe it isn't. Maybe it is as simple as needing some alone time, or some friends, or some exercise, or a night out with my husband, or a house we don't hate, or more money, or...you see? How do you determine how to fix yourself when you don't know exactly what it is that makes you so sad and angry all of the time? All I know is that I feel like a bad mother. I feel like my kids need and deserve more from me. They deserve a happy mother who is willing to just leave the fucking dishes and go outside and play. Why is that so hard?

Comments

[Pamalamadingdong]

oh my god.
I hear you.
LOUD
&
CLEAR

[Shann]

Oh Jenny! Do not dispair! You are not feeling anything that the rest of us have not, sometimes daily! I have 3 boys; I know what it is like to sit at the end of the day and cry because you feel like the mean mom. Rest assured. You are a great mother. Your children know that you love them. And yes, doll, a lot of this is pregnancy hormones. It's tiring to grow a child and raise two others at the same time. I know it's hard without family nearby, but you really, REALLY, need to schedule some "ME" time. For me, I take a walk every night to Tim Horton's for a tea after the kids are in bed. Escape is good for everyone. Do not feel guilty for wanting to run away. Feel proud because you've stayed. XOXOXOXO

[Lori]

Hi Jenny,

I just read your most recent post and I have to say I couldn't have said it better myself. As my cousin Shannon told you you are not alone. I feel like that all the time. I've said it once and I will say it again, raising children is the hardest job anyone could ever have. You hate to think of it as a JOB but when you do it day in day out...it's a job! Take care and rest assured you are doing a great job. i read your blog all the time and it is obvious you love and adore your kids. I just said to my husband the other day after a long tough day, All I can hope is that when the kids are older(I have two little girls, ages 4 and 1) they know I did my best.

Take care,

Lori

[shaz]

So, its not just me feeling like this! This was actaully my post yesterday, well not "exactly", but similar... mom and kids going crazy at home, dad safe at work... http://www.adventures-in-motherhood.com

dont worry... at least you can still manage them during pregnancy... I literally fell apart and did nothin but complain about falling apart! :)

[Jazzy]

So sorry to hear you are having a hard time. You are definitely feeling something normal that all moms feel, I think. We do a lot and we don't get a break and that is what is hard. Being pregnant is also a bugger with the hormones and such. I hope that you can get a break of some sort, a night out with your husband. It's amazing what a little break can do for your sanity. Or a massage. =) Hope tomorrow looks better. You can always blame it on IMS (Irritable Mom Syndrome)

[Jamie]

Oh Jenny don't dispair! I've had that frustration myself with my nine year old. I've found that if you include them in the "fun" chores you have to do then you kill two birds with one stone; you get the stuff done that needs to be done and two you spend time with them. A little modivation for them is having a reward for all of you afterwards like watching a movie or taking a walk around, etc. Hang in there.

[luann]

Don't feel bad kiddo. I doubt it's genetics, just being pregnant. If Mr JUJU is ever able to keep the kids for a while one day, take yourself someplace you like where you can relax - even if it's only for an hour. That is mostly why I go out for coffee every morning- it's my alone time, my therapy. Remember too, school starts soon;)

[Mellie Helen]

You took the post right outta my mouth. And I'm not pregnant. For me, what helps is quiet devotions time (early a.m., before the house "gets going") and an evening glass of wine once the kids are down (meaning, after the two or three times that one or the other or both wander downstairs after bedtime). Here's hugs and love from way more than 2.5 hours away with a reminder to keep breathing and count your blessings...even when they don't feel like blessings.

[Mark]

This sounds like my wife could have written it. Clinical depression is horrible and sometimes it afflicts the best people in the world. I know my wife fits that description, anyway. I won't say, "Hang in there, it will get better," because it's an ongoing struggle. Just don't let it beat you.