For the Ladies (and men if they feel so inclined to discuss)

I had a discussion today with a friend...she and I have different views on an issue that is swirling around in her marriage. I told her I would throw it out there and see what comes back.

To the point without a lot of back-story and details and mess: Her husband called an ex girlfriend yesterday and while that in of itself is certainly not a big deal, he kept it from her. As in, she knew, she gave him an opportunity to say something about it and he flat out sorta lied. From there it went to, "Oh, you mean who did I talk to yesterday? Well, you didn't say 'yesterday'..."

It's not the first time this has happened.

Do you think she is justified in feeling somewhat betrayed, or is withholding information in your marriage and or relationship  not at all like lying?

Talk amongst yourselves...I've got a poopy diaper to change.

Comments

[Pamalamadingdong]

I would feel betrayed (and irrationally livid but that's just me)..lies by omission are still lies. And if it IS innocent than why not share it with her right from the beginnig. Hey guess you I talked to today! kind of thing

[Tammy]

Definately justified! Number 1, WHY would he call an old girlfriend?

[Simon]

Talking to the ex isn't such a big deal. Questions aside on who instigated and why... it's the keeping from Wife part that would stick in her craw. A combination of lying by omission AND being sneaky.

Not sharing information with the intent that it would just start a 'discussion' is far worse than being up front with that discussion in the first place. Smaller discomfort now to save MUCH larger discomfort later.

Trial by fire speaking here...

[The Greatest Aunt]

I would feel betrayed also, but I would have been more straightforward in my approach to getting him to talk about it.

[Shann]

Well, I'm jealous by nature, so I'd probably initially freak out. I guess it depends on the level of trust in the relationship. My husband is friends with a lot of girls he knew in school, and I'm okay with it. However, if I discovered he had been calling or meeting with them without telling me? Then lying to try to avoid talking about it?Yeah, that would frost my flakes alright.

[Mom]

I've learned that the omission thing needs to be selective, mates don't need to know EVERYTHING, as in what might be hurtful that so-and-so said, etc. But this is definitely a relationship issue, affects both parties and needs to be openly and honestly discussed in a "safe" arena where each needs not feel threatened to speak freely.

[Jazzy]

Withholding is the same as lying. He wouldn't withhold the info if he didn't know it was wrong.

[Marsha]

I am prone to extreme jealousy and unjustified overreactions. I would imagine that my husband would want to keep from me details that would cause me to have fits. However, he doesn't keep those details from me and so I have developed this huge trust for him and I no longer spend any of my time second guessing him. I feel like this honesty thing has added a new dimension to my marriage and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

In this scenario you describe it seems that both parties were less than honest with the other. If I was the wife I would start the conversation with an apology, I am sorry that I deceived and tricked you by not telling you that I knew about this phone call. Obviously what the husband did was completely wrong 100 times worse than what the wife did. However, a big pointing fingers fight will only deteriorate the relationship further. I would go with I'm sorry and I would appreciate it if you were more honest with me. I would also be honest and tell him up front that I would really appreciate it if you didn’t have contact with your ex, it makes me feel like I am not enough for you.

[Peeved Michelle]

Two rules for me:
1- If it makes your spouse uncomfortable or hurts your spouse, you have to stop doing it.
2- If you can't tell your spouse about it, you are doing something you shouldn't be doing.*

*I am not saying a spouse needs to know every single thing, but you know when you are doing something wrong and just trying to justify it.

[Mellie Helen]

Withholding, lying by omission, AND legalistic terminology ("oh, you meant who did I speak to *yesterday*...") = red flags.

The voice of experience speaks.

Were it openly discussed, I'd say the phenomenon was no biggie. But the way it happened...ehhh. My eyebrow is raised.

[ben]

Without knowing much about the situation, I'd say red flag, too.

If I were to talk to an ex, it would probably be to get investment advice or pictures of their kids or something - I've been with my wife for over 20 years, I've long ago gotten over any ex-girlfriends. But that's me.

[Heather Rae]

I =think= we know each other, although you may or may not remember me from when we were kids. I'm a little older than you. And it took me a minute--I came here from Jodie's blog to figure out who you were until I read the bio about your little brother, whom I'm pretty sure I know too. LOL

Anyways, yes I would be betrayed by this phone call. And I think that if this was not the first time and there were no children involved that I would be wanting to know why he feels the need to call his ex when he had me in his life.

Men suck sometimes.

And back to the knowing thing....playing at the pool and the grove ring any bells?

[Christine]

She is certainly justified. If it was innocent, he wouldn't have kept it from her. Dishonesty is never a good thing.

[MamaKaren]

Talking to the ex= not a big deal. Actively concealing said conversation= Big deal. she is totally justified in being upset.