Letting Go

He ambled into the kitchen as I was pouring a cup of coffee. I knew I could not get through THIS morning of all mornings without my vice. Well, one  of my vices anyway. His squinty little eyes darted all over the kitchen like he had just walked into a house of mirrors. He was so confused and sleepy and disoriented.

"It's SO EARRRLY. I don't remember being up so EARRLLY."

"Well, of course it's early, silly. You have school today! Are you excited!!??"

"....EARRLLY....."

"Yes, I know but we have lots to do! Breakfast, shower, clothes and packing your lun-"

He interrupted me with the voice of a grumpy teenager, "It is sooo annoying to be up at...", he glanced at the clock on the coffee pot, " Six. Four. Nine."

" I know buddy. Payback is a bitch. Do you know how many times you woke us up at Six. Four. Nine. ?"

He ate half of his breakfast in silence, staring out into space. I watched as it slowly registered in his sleepy brain. Today was his first day of school. Real school. Not the preschool for little tiny people. That was when he started talking. My child can TALK. He can talk circles around even that obnoxious chirpy checkout girl in the grocery store. The girl I avoid at all costs. Once she talked to me for almost 15 minutes about bread while a line of at least 20 stood behind me shooting the death stare into my back.

After he (finally) finished eating and took a quick shower, we tackled his outfit. Sure, my son can dress himself. He even does buttons pretty well, but if left to do it alone, he would have surely missed the bus and half of the morning activities at school. He screws around SO much. Getting him dressed quickly takes skill that only can be attained through years of practice and sly maneuvering. Then the hair. My god he worries about his hair. I am raising a metro-sexual.

Daddy was waiting downstairs with the video camera "reporting from the scene" of LittleJuJu's first day of school. I so wish that I could share that tape with you here. We loaded on the back pack, grabbed the lunch and headed outside to wait for the bus. I was not feeling particularly confident about the bus. I have never sent my child onto a moving vehicle with a stranger behind the wheel and no seat belts. It is a rather helpless feeling.  LittleJuJu fidgeted and hopped all over the driveway burning up some of the nervousness. I sat on the porch trying my best to seem calm. Mr. JuJu was cool as a cucumber shooting his movie.

The bus pulled up and I grabbed my son's little hand and gave it a squeeze. He was so ready to go and I was so...not. I leaned down and kissed his cheek. It smelled like soap and was just as soft as the day he was born. I told him I loved him and instead of my pulling him toward the bus, he was pulling me. I glanced anxiously up at the driver. He winked at me and told me that the first day was the hardest. I half smiled at him and watched the back of LittleJuJu's head disappear down the long isle of the bus. When the hell did he let go of me? Then I lost sight of him as he ducked into a seat.

I walked back to the driveway, back to my husband and we struggled to find where he was sitting. He was just another little head on the bus now. One little face in a crowd of quietly terrified little faces. There he went, up the street. Away.

After Mr. JuJu left me, I sat down to watch the footage of the morning and laughed and cried. The house was so quiet.  The house is still so quiet as I sit and type this today. My son's second day in the world without me. No one told me what this was like. I hear that it's even harder when they go off to college. I don't know how that can be, but I should probably start preparing myself for it now. 

It's raining. I hope he doesn't get wet. He worries about his hair so much.

Comments

[The Greatest Aunt]

Crying with ya again.

[kelli]

Such a sweet entry. I love it. Especially the part about payback.

[Amanda]

So craying right now. That was so sweet :)

[heathabee]

I cried. I am crying. And I'm not PMSing, so that's your way of knowing that that is one of the very best entries you've ever done.

I hope his first and second days of school were fantastic - and that it gets easier for you as the days go by!! :-)

take care!
<3

[Chris]

That sounds kinda rough. Hope you made it through the day okay. But wait...they learn to talk? ;-)

[Katie]

Exactly! That is how I feel every 1st day of school (so in other words, it's not a one time thing). He's so handsome and I bet he'll have an awesome school year.