JuJuBee

Good Enough

I shouldn't be posting after having a glass or three of wine, and if my better half weren't asleep a few feet from me, then maybe I would consider not even bothering, but my mind is racing and I am stressed  right the hell out at this moment, SO....

I am going through this tough thing with work right now. A thing where I need to be making tough decisions, and though they are pretty much already made, because they are NO-BRAINERS, I am still stressed because I am not the type of person who rocks the boat, or puts people out, or says "No" or ever, ever, ever makes a decision based on what's good for me, rather than what will make people happy. So, yeah...I'm stressed right now, but also happy because someone is seeing my worth and willing to make my life easier for it.

It's hard to admit that I am good at what I do, hard to say that I am proud of myself for being in the position where I might be fought over, but damn.

Here I am.

And if I could take a minute and be selfish enough to admit it: It feels really fucking good.

Smile Inducers

I thought that this post, by Mighty Girl, was pretty inspiring. It's so often that we think of the things that we would like to do and accomplish before our time on this planet has come to an end, but what about all of those times that we've already been through? All of those memories bring a smile to your face and make you who you are. I'm going to try to remember 100 of them. It might be nice to have a list somewhere that you can revisit when you are having a really tough day...

Moments Worthy of A Flash Before I Die 1-25:

25. Floating down Lazy River on an inner tube with my husband.

24. Driving in Oahu at night, noticing something sparkle to my right, realizing it was the Pacific Ocean.

23. Making a playhouse out of the box that held our new dining room table.

22. Feeling like a princess as I walked down the aisle, position of flower girl, in my Aunt Rosemary's wedding.

21. Seeing my daughter pretend to read to my son.

20. Smoking cigars on a warm summer night with my husband on the porch.

19. Fishing with my Grandfather, just us.

18. Sneaking up to my Grandma's bedroom with my cousin Sarah, to play with her make-up and pretend to be all grown up.

17. Watching Julian in his first preschool Christmas play.

16. Laying on a car roof at midnight in Prescott, Arizona to watch shooting stars.

15. 2 a.m. laughing hysterically at her rendition of Ring of Fire, by Johnny Cash while sitting around the campfire at our family reunion.

14. Wine Night

13. Serving breakfast at a DC homeless shelter.

12. Hitting that "Runner's High".

11. Seeing Julian for the first time.

10. Seeing him walk toward me with that smile, listening to Van Morrison, about to be engaged.

9. Taking my father for a haircut.

8. Ice Cream cones and pretzel rods from the Warren Deli.

7. Riding my bike for the first time, purple banana seat with basket and streamers.

6. Bunnies at church on Easter Sunday, wearing my easter dress and hat.

5. Taking change to Ben Franklin's to pick out penny candy.

4. Slow dancing with our banister at the bottom of the stairs.

3. Out with the girls for my first legal shot in a bar.

2. Listening to my mom read us a story while my brother and I take a bath.

1. Jumping from the train bridge into the river.

List some of your own in the comments.

I'm Still JuJu McLuckyPants

I'm sitting here, alone, in my quiet (wow, it's quiet) house, listening to the siding pop and the wood creak and the windows rattle from the wind storm happening outside. The kiddos and the husband are off having a nice dinner with grandma and grandpa. I didn't go, because I once again am suffering from a kidney stone.

I can't even express how frustrated I am today. I'm not asking for advice, or sympathy. I'm not looking for a pity party, I'm past all of that. Today I am just mad. I want to know why this is happening to me, what I did to deserve it, how I can fix it, how I can move on with my life without wondering when the next one will hit. It's embarrassing to hear my husband on the phone, "Yeah...she's not feeling well. Kidney stone related I guess, or something, who knows."  I can tell that he is as sick of explaining it to others as I am sick of getting them.

It's my Sunday off. My counter has three consultants, so we rotate our Sundays. I treasure my Sundays off. I look forward to a whole day of relaxing and snuggling up with my family. Kidney stones tend to put a damper on the day, you know? I want my urologist to take me more seriously, call me with the results of my urine tests, tell me what to avoid. I want him to fix me. I want to be me again. I'm tired of being sick, tired of being angry all of the time, tired of being quick to lose my temper, tired of making sure I have my pills before I leave the house just in case, tired of being tired.

Most of all, I am sick of being felt sorry for. There are times when I get one, and don't even tell anyone so I can avoid the whole conversation. Every time I have had an ultrasound, CT or whatever, there has been a stone present, As far as I know mine range from 1mm to 5mm. A 5 is on the large side, and when I had a 5, they told me I could stay or go home and pass it, if it were bigger they'd have made me stay. I don't go back to the ER anymore because all they do (besides making you wait for 6 hours) is put you on a drip to hydrate you, give you some pain meds, and send you home. I can get the same treatment at home, minus the needle, and enjoy my own bed. The urologist basically made me feel like I was wasting his time. He said that I don't get the stones in clusters, and kind of made me feel like an asshole for complaining about a stone here and there while he was spending his day treating uterine cancer and prostate problems. I get about a stone a month. Sometimes more. They might be different stones, they might be the same stone moving around. I've never actually caught one to be sure they'd passed.

Ok, I'm even sick of writing about it now. I'd really like to get back to this site. I miss writing and interacting with you all on a regular basis. I just don't want to be here spewing all of this negativity, so maybe I'll start back out with some cute kid stories. The kids are great. Even though their mommy is dodging stone bullets left and right, they are doing so good...much of that has to do with Mr. JuJu stepping up and taking over when I just can't. He's my rock.

Maybe some happy thoughts soon, or at least some cute pictures:

Ennui

So sue me for being somewhat jealous of my husband's new life. Can I find some ridiculousness in the fact that I am resentful that he is able to go out for drinks, attend hockey games, sleep all night and have no parental responsibilities 5 days a week? Sure I can. I might be irrational sometimes, but I'm not blind.

Am I going to apologize for feeling this way?

Hell no.

It's how I feel and I won't dismiss it as being a bitch, which I'm sure is one way I could be perceived when I whine about my life as it is right now in comparison to his. I guess it just feels like I've been left behind. I'm like a kid who hasn't been picked and I'm sitting on the sidelines watching all of the other kids have fun.

I'm a barrel of fun these days aren't I?? Maybe you should stop coming here until I've moved because I can't really promise you an upbeat post until then.

I will force myself to utter three positives right now, just to sort of balance out the blah:

*Tax return has been deposited into our account thanks to my lovely auntie

*It's above 32 degrees (F) outside

*I got at least three hours of sleep last night

Ok, that's all you get....

Tell me I am not crazy and then tell me three good things in your life right now.

Back in the Saddle

I'm going to exercise today.

You heard me right. I know...it's hard to believe, even for myself, but I am at the point where I am getting extremely frustrated with my body and the lack of clothing that it will fit into. We don't have the money right now for me to be going out to buy clothes for this in between stage of stalled progress. I've hit my plateau and have been stuck here for weeks.  It's time to maybe think about not having ice cream while my ass sits on the couch watching TV. No more eating half a box of crackers with cheese while my ass sits and reads blogs. I could also cut back on CraigsList, as I have become addicted to refreshing the page (can't let anyone beat you to that perfect entertainment center or double stroller you have been watching for!) over and over. Not much physical exertion involved in moving your typing fingers one inch to the left or right.

So, I am telling you this so that I can be held somewhat accountable. I packed my favorite workout tape, so I am going to have to dig through a couple boxes to locate that, but it will be worth it. Eating has become yet another diversion, another avoidance tactic to try and put off all that I have to do. It's become a source of comfort after a hard day with the kids (speaking of the kids...my daughter has turned into those children that you see on SuperNanny...send help...she threw a very public fit in Target yesterday and I feel quite defeated by her). The weather has also attributed quite a bit. I would love to be able to go out for a run or take the kids for a walk. We are expecting a big storm (or Armageddon it would seem, by the news and the parking lot of the grocery store) so even getting out to see other human life will be a challenge in the next few days.

Motivation: my sister-in-law is getting married in September and I have to wear a strapless gown. So I have plenty of time to get buff, right? A few years back, as I was getting prepared for my own wedding, I weighed about 20 pounds less than I do right now. I was eating very healthy and exercising alot. I got to a point in my running where I could just go and go and hit that zone where you don't get tired. I'd love to be back to that point with the running but I don't need to be back to the weight. I would be happy with 10.

So, for you moms who stay at home? What keeps you from eating all day? Don't tell me you are too busy to eat. I have three kids, I am moving and I am a single parent from Monday until Friday...I find time to eat.

Skip Right On Over This One

After reading this over at Alpha Mom this morning I have been thinking about what exactly my problem has been lately. There was an excerpt toward the middle of the post taken from the book The Ghost in the House in which mothers had said how they were reacting to their children during a bout of maternal depression. Some said how they found themselves yelling at their children all day, seemingly for no reason. I just recently told Mr. JuJu over the phone that I feel like I yell at LittleJuJu all day long. I yell at him for the teeniest tiniest things because I am stressed and usually just hanging on by a cord. It's roughest around bedtime when the whole day has accumulated on me and I am just SO. READY. FOR. BEDTIME. Then the guilt. Why couldn't I have just mustered up enough love for my kids to have a nice evening and maybe a bedtime story?

I tend to blame the way I have been feeling on this pregnancy. I truly don't know which symptoms to blame on life, which to blame on stress, which to blame on hormones, or which to blame on something possibly more "chemically" caused in some sort of an imbalanced form. I think to myself, "Self? Of course you are stressed and easily angered! You have two small children who are dependant upon you and only you all day long! With no friends or family within a 2.5 hour drive!" It's a job that doesn't have a lunch break. A job that doesn't even have a bathroom break. If I manage to get the door closed to use the bathroom in silence, I will usually see fingers poke underneath or hear screaming when the baby realizes that I am not within eyesight of her. I wonder how my husband could ever want to come home to this. By the time he gets in the door, we are all sick of each other. I need a break from them and they need a break from me and we are all a bundle of nerves. Ah, welcome home, Sweetie.

My parents have both gone through times of depression. I'm not sure that my father has ever had a time when he was NOT depressed, so the heredity factor is there. I just don't want to be quick to say that is the problem. Because maybe it isn't. Maybe it is as simple as needing some alone time, or some friends, or some exercise, or a night out with my husband, or a house we don't hate, or more money, or...you see? How do you determine how to fix yourself when you don't know exactly what it is that makes you so sad and angry all of the time? All I know is that I feel like a bad mother. I feel like my kids need and deserve more from me. They deserve a happy mother who is willing to just leave the fucking dishes and go outside and play. Why is that so hard?

Titles are for Losers

Is it just me or does the summer seem like one long (very long) (very very long) string of trips and packing and unpacking and driving and visiting and company and laundry?

(aside: as I am typing this, my son is on the living room floor making a book about Batman and Martha Stewart is on in the background. He comes up to me and asks if he can have macaroni and cheese for lunch. After we determine what time and how many hours and minutes and seconds it will be before lunch, he heads back into the living room. I tell him he could change the channel and put some cartoons on. He shakes his head and tells me that, "Nah, I'm coloring anyway and sort of learning to make chicken.")

Anyway, I don't want it to seem as though I am complaining about the never ending trips and laundry and packing, because I'm not. I kinda love have company and going places. I get very agitated when I have gone too many hours (or days to be honest) without seeing another adult besides my husband (as sweet and handsome and awesome as he is) (also, what's with the parenthesis?) but the laundry, my god, and the folding and packing. I'd like to hire someone to do this part and maybe throw the bags into the trunk so that we may just hop in the car and go. Ta Da.

So future plans include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Thursday- Take LittleJuJu to my moms (in Pennsylvania) where he will spend a week with my stepfather. My mom will be in Martha's Vineyard with the girls celebrating her/their 50 years of being young and my step dad would love the company. Who am I to complain.
• Friday- Drive back home to Ohio, we have a wedding to attend on Saturday. Also we need a babysitter for a few hours to watch the baby. Any takers?
• Sometime next week- Drive back to Pennsylvania to pick the boy up and bring him back to Ohio
• Early July- Drive to Buffalo to visit in-laws and go to Canada from there to Celebrate the 4th of July at Aunt-in-law's lake house (nothing like celebrating your country's independence by celebrating in another country)
• Mid-July- Stay in Buffalo or Canada while son husband and father-in-law take fishing trip for a few days
• Drive back to Ohio
• Entertain family we have not yet seen in month of July? Mom, Dad?

Other things will come up after these have happened. Seriously though, I couldn't imagine just sitting around all summer in our back yard watching the grass grow. Oh right, we also have to probably find a house and move over the summer. I forgot that part. Heh.

What are your summer plans?

Oh...some of you have asked about the hair...it's the same. Just a trim ;) Also...some new pictures from the park up at Flickr...click on my Flickr in the sidebar...don't feel like linking.

No Point Whatsoever to This Post

I'm in that four day crunch time where I am completely overwhelmed with all that I need to get done before we leave to drop the baby at my mom's house and head to the airport. I have only drug my suitcase from the basement and dusted it off and threw it on my bed where it has been for days. The Boy is somewhat packed because he is easy. The Girl's suitcase has also been dusted off and I have managed to lay piles of her clothes out all over the bedroom floor. I need to finish all of our packing (which involves finding clothes that fit my ever expanding ass) and doing laundry so that the clothes that DO fit are actually clean. I'm soooo not ready to be wearing summer clothes. I tried on some of my bathing suits the other night. Still somewhat weepy over that dumbass idea.

I will be going to Disney World three months pregnant. This basically means nothing except that I won't be able to ride roller coasters and I might be quicker to tire than the rest of us. Do you think Mr. JuJu will carry me around on his back when I get exhausted from walking 14 hours during the day? It is supposed to be the happiest place in the world and we know that you should really make an effort to keep pregnant ladies happy. They should make Baby Bjorn in an adult size, don't you think?

Both of the children have decided that it would be a great idea to get sick. Sick. Four days before departure. Of course they would be sick. Why wouldn't they? It would be too easy to stay healthy for one more week, right?

This evening is LittleJuJu's first ever T-Ball game! Unless he comes home with a fever I will allow him to play. I'm really excited, so I can only imagine how he must be feeling. Do you remember your first game as a child, or your first dance recital or gymnastics meet? I remember being scared shitless to go out on that stage and dance. I was more than happy to wear my pretty tutu and felt so grown up with some lipstick and blush, but the dancing part had me terrified. The recitals became easier and easier, but looking back I think that being the center of attention for the whole evening was what really made it special.

This entry is all over the place...just like my brain. I really have to go get busy on this packing. Anyone want to come do some ironing for me? I'll make you some yummy coffee and you can play with my baby! She might get snot all over you, but she is totally worth it.

Fancy Meetin You Here

Blog? Huh?

What is this "blog" term you use?

Well I've been busy. That's a lie, no I haven't. I've been, how you say...avoiding this area. Because I got nothing. That's a lie too. I've got stuff. Things have been happening, people have been visiting, children have been saying and doing funny and noteworthy things. I just can't seem to find any sort of way to straighten my brain out enough to put any of it in written form.

Except yesterday (and today) something happened! My brain shifted into do something mode and then I did stuff! Stuff I have been avoiding for months, like putting away Christmas things that were in random piles in the basement, and hanging up clean laundry, and you know it was like I got my groove back...like that Stella chick. Only I'm white and I didn't sleep with guy who was young enough to be my child. So, maybe notsomuch like the Stella chick, but groovin nonetheless. Shut up.

I'm feeling like a "Doer" today instead of a "Watcher". If you are a fan of Grey's Anatomy (and if you aren't? You have to become a fan, immediately, or you are just plain stupid, yes I said stupid) then you will understand what I mean, well, not exactly in the "Doer" sense of "doing" someONE, but in the sense of doing someTHING. Lots of someTHINGS actually. Uhm, ok. I sense that I may be rambling on a bit. I digress.

I hope that you and your schmoopies out there have a wonderful Valentine's Day. I will be home with the kiddos as my husband is traveling for a road game. BooHoo...poor me. I will be accepting gifts and donations in various forms of wine and chocolate. I have to romance someone on Hallmark's biggest scheme ever, may as well be myself !!

Ups And Downs

I'm really excited about tomorrow. We are having our first ever Christmas portraits taken since becoming a family of  four.  I've really kinda been waiting for this as far back as I can remember: a wonderful husband that I adore, an intelligent, gorgeous son and a beautiful little baby girl. This picture will be one that I treasure for a lifetime. As long as I don't look fat and smile weird. Just kidding! Or am I?

LittleJuJu is still going through an awful phase, talking back and generally just being miserable to be around. I really hate that we start our day fighting before he heads off to school. I hate it. Then he comes home with about two bites taken from his lunch and he wants Fritos to snack on. Of course I say hell no and then we are fighting again. Ahhh. Thank god for school...on the other hand, this attitude came when kindergarten came, so maybe I shouldn't be thanking school after all.

The baby is in phase as well. She needs to have my attention every waking minute. She is only content to play by herself for 5 minute increments and in those 5 minutes, I have to catch up on dishes, laundry, personal hygiene, coffee and coffee. Let this phase pass quickly.

As you can tell, I'm in sort of an odd place right now. Winter is coming and I am getting excited about the holidays and traveling to visit with family, and at the same time I am stressed and exhausted and blah. I wish my mind could pick a feeling and just go with it.

I'm trying to update here more often but I have so much swirling in my head right now...it's hard to concentrate on one thought. Adult ADD, I'm sure of it.