JuJuBee:

So, I know your birthday was yesterday, and I know that I am a total jerkass for not acknowledging it here, but come on, really...did you expect me to? Ok then. With that said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LOVE!

I know you don't expect too many people to remember, or to send cards, or to call, but the truth is that you are important to so many people. If I remembered to send a card to everyone that I cared about on their birthday? Good god, we'd be knee deep in postal debt. You make the world a better place by being alive, as cliche as it sounds, and I don't know what we'd do without you. I DO know that I'd get those fluorescent bulbs out of our lamps faster than a jackrabbit on a date...and maybe the ice cube trays would always be filled...and we'd have 97% less shoes in the house, but really...we'd never manage alone. Who would make silly songs about our Big Fella, and who would blow our driveway? Who would kill the spiders and who would buy all of the books that I steal and read?

You are an awesome daddy, who gets the kids fed and cleaned up and put to bed way more often than I do, you've stepped up so I can get out and go to my new job, and you don't complain when I spend a third of my paycheck on trips to Tim Hortons on the way there. You miss happy hours with co-workers and countless free tickets to games so that I can feel like I am helping our family. You fill the gas tanks and the wiper fluid so I don't have to stand in the cold.

Ok, enough sappy crap. Happy Birthday. Maybe we'll get to that birthday wish one of these days :)

ok...the naked Ron Jeremy picture was scaring you away, I apologize. It's gonzo.

I'm sitting here, alone, in my quiet (wow, it's quiet) house, listening to the siding pop and the wood creak and the windows rattle from the wind storm happening outside. The kiddos and the husband are off having a nice dinner with grandma and grandpa. I didn't go, because I once again am suffering from a kidney stone.

I can't even express how frustrated I am today. I'm not asking for advice, or sympathy. I'm not looking for a pity party, I'm past all of that. Today I am just mad. I want to know why this is happening to me, what I did to deserve it, how I can fix it, how I can move on with my life without wondering when the next one will hit. It's embarrassing to hear my husband on the phone, "Yeah...she's not feeling well. Kidney stone related I guess, or something, who knows." I can tell that he is as sick of explaining it to others as I am sick of getting them.

It's my Sunday off. My counter has three consultants, so we rotate our Sundays. I treasure my Sundays off. I look forward to a whole day of relaxing and snuggling up with my family. Kidney stones tend to put a damper on the day, you know? I want my urologist to take me more seriously, call me with the results of my urine tests, tell me what to avoid. I want him to fix me. I want to be me again. I'm tired of being sick, tired of being angry all of the time, tired of being quick to lose my temper, tired of making sure I have my pills before I leave the house just in case, tired of being tired.

Most of all, I am sick of being felt sorry for. There are times when I get one, and don't even tell anyone so I can avoid the whole conversation. Every time I have had an ultrasound, CT or whatever, there has been a stone present, As far as I know mine range from 1mm to 5mm. A 5 is on the large side, and when I had a 5, they told me I could stay or go home and pass it, if it were bigger they'd have made me stay. I don't go back to the ER anymore because all they do (besides making you wait for 6 hours) is put you on a drip to hydrate you, give you some pain meds, and send you home. I can get the same treatment at home, minus the needle, and enjoy my own bed. The urologist basically made me feel like I was wasting his time. He said that I don't get the stones in clusters, and kind of made me feel like an asshole for complaining about a stone here and there while he was spending his day treating uterine cancer and prostate problems. I get about a stone a month. Sometimes more. They might be different stones, they might be the same stone moving around. I've never actually caught one to be sure they'd passed.

Ok, I'm even sick of writing about it now. I'd really like to get back to this site. I miss writing and interacting with you all on a regular basis. I just don't want to be here spewing all of this negativity, so maybe I'll start back out with some cute kid stories. The kids are great. Even though their mommy is dodging stone bullets left and right, they are doing so good...much of that has to do with Mr. JuJu stepping up and taking over when I just can't. He's my rock.

Maybe some happy thoughts soon, or at least some cute pictures: